Wednesday, September 2, 2009

It's NOT making me stronger :(

I'm having a really bad afternoon... my day was going just fine until i got home. I'm really angry because I came home from school as fast as I could, abandoning the plans I had with Dallas because mum and I had discussed going to the gym this afternoon for a consultation as well as buying a few things to help me with running so I don't have such awful knee pain.
Yeah well, NONE of that happened. I got home and she said "I just got back from being out for a long time, I'm not that interested in going out again", WELL THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM! We had plans, I ditched a friend for them, and then she decided she wasn't going to go anywhere. Awesome mum. Really helpful.
I'm afraid to go running again because my knee's are stuffed so whenever I do, after half an hour my knees are burning! I wanted some protection to help prevent that!

I really want to leave Whakatane. it's driving me insane, every single day I have to go to school knowing that there is all this bullshit about me, all these lies and I can't defend myself. Usually it wouldn't bother me what others think, but this bothers me because it's interfering with my friendship with someone amazing who I would die for. It's REALLY interfering, and it's so so upsetting for me to have it be like that :(
I'd love to leave the country. Start COMPLETELY fresh, leave behind the fucked up past and just have a completely clean slate where no one knows anything unless I tell them.
Canada is where I'm thinking. Only problem is getting a Canadian passport and funding it so I'm able to live there...
Mum lectures me telling me Karma is on my side and it will come back and bite them in the ass, but that's not gonna happen within the next two years, and there is no fucking way I am putting up with this shit, unjustified for the next two years of my schooling.
I need an escape but I don't know what to do... :(
I'm really upset and in a really bad mood today, and not even Operation Beautiful can cheer me up.
Mum says it'll all make me stronger, but FUCK IT! It's been 9 months and I'm getting increasingly weaker..
High school is like a fucking jungle, you'll be lucky to get out alive.

I need help to smile.
Any suggestions?


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